Infertility: breathe injections, sleep injections and dream injections

DISCLAIMER: there are pictures of injections in this blog.

Last night, I gave myself my last injection of my first round of IVF: my trigger shot, which makes my body produce all the eggs ready for collection in surgery Monday.

Since the first day of this journey I’ve had a total of 40 shots.

It started off as one a day (Buserelin) and then two a day (Buserelin and Menopur).

Luckily, I’m not scared of needles! I was fine in the nurse’s office when they handed me a needle and asked me to stick it in my stomach to see if I could do it. At first I was only thinking about the start of this journey and worrying about the side effects more than the actual injections.

I was quite excited for the first one and actually got my husband to take a picture!injection

For the first couple of weeks, it was ok, I was becoming quite a pro, actually: wipe bottle off with antiseptic, put air into needle, empty needle in bottle, fill to 0.6, empty back to 0.5, pinch stomach skin, insert needle, gently push in drugs, remove needle, grab a tissue to wipe off blood if necessary.

This routine became normal and I even managed to do this in my brother-in-law’s bathroom, restaurant bathrooms, at work, in the car. And luckily my symptoms were minor, just a small heat rash. My anxiety did get a little worse, with a little more sobbing at home with hubby. All in all, I consider myself lucky.

I did get a few bruises along the way though, but again they were not that painful.

I even coped quite well with the new high protein, low carb and sugar-free diet, with no snacking! didn’t even miss alcohol… (I miss chocolate though)

But, after a while, my life became all about the time when I would do the injection. I had an alarm on my phone in case I forgot, but there was absolutely no chance that would have happened.

It’s all I thought about.

When it would be, where I would have to do it, would it draw blood and would it be painful again (the Menopur was much more painful than the Buserelin).

Due to my history of Thrombosis, I also had to take aspirin daily, and I would keep worrying about every twinge I would feel or if my legs felt uncomfortable, as I was so worried about it.

It consumed my life. I was worrying about it in the morning, thinking about it all day, and checking my phone every two minutes about an hour before my scheduled time. I even dreamt about these injections on a regular basis.

It got to the point that I couldn’t even find a distraction from it and I was dreading it so much that I would start crying uncontrollably whenever I started to think about it.

These injections took over my life. I struggled to sleep, if I knew I had an injection coming up which would not be at home. I started resenting my husband for not being there when I was doing them, even though he was at work and commuting from London with no control over arrival times. I would get angry if people were inviting me out to dinner, because how dare they make me feel so worried (even though they had no idea what I was going through).

I hate the fact that IVF has taken over my life in this way, but it does. IVF is all I breathe, all I sleep and all I dream.

 

Infertility: My profile is a lie

Everything I post on Facebook is a lie.

Most of my friends on Facebook don’t know that I’m currently going through IVF or that I’ve been trying to conceive for 3.5 years.

My husband and I try and go out regularly, see shows, comedians and concerts and basically fill our lives with fun activities. I then post these activities on Facebook with lots of words like “excited”, “thrilled” or “feeling blessed”.

In fact I could not feel farther from these words. These activities are just things to fill the hole in my heart with. They are just a way to try and feel something when I always just feel empty and sad.

And actually attending these events can sometimes make me feel a lot worse. For example, we went to the comedian’s Jon Richardson’s show last month and his whole show revolved around the fact that he is a brand new father and his trials to do with that. Now, in the bio, there was no warning that babies would be the main focus of his show. It took me by complete surprise and I cried all the way home.

And yet, I posted my attendance to this gig on Facebook and wrote about how fun it had been.

My husband and I also go on a big holiday every year and this year was to Mexico. Every day on holiday I posted lots of pictures of us doing amazing things, such as scuba diving:

And we did, it was amazing! Sandy beaches, amazing food and I was lucky to have had this opportunity. But everything I do these days and any happiness that I feel is only fleeting or superficial.

I can’t remember the last time I posted something on Facebook that was real and truthful about my feelings.

I don’t know why I do this.

I could be doing it to try and fill the void. If I look happy on Facebook, then maybe one day I’ll be happy in real life.

Or am I doing to get people to talk to me about my adventures rather than ask me why I’m not pregnant yet?

I don’t know. All I know is that life is hard at the moment, and nobody knows. It also highlights what a load of crap social media is and that lots of people are probably like me, fake on Facebook.

I don’t know how we do this, going about our day to day lives with fake smiles on our faces, but we do. It’s amazing, really. #1in8